Seattle is my home <3
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"Someone once told me
The grass is much greener
On the other side
And I paid a visit
It seemed different,
Yet exactly the same
'Til further notice,
From where I'm standing,
My grass is green
Someone once told me
The grass is much greener
On the other side."
Have you ever entered a world where absolutely everything and anything about it was perfect? Have you ever been stuck in a moment where the universe just seemed to align perfectly? Well, I think I’m lucky enough to say that I have. And all of it started on a bench.
The air we breathed was crisp, the ocean was still, and frost clung onto the grass. Nature stood right by our side, and it wasn’t until a mysterious force hit me that I actually took the time to recognize our surroundings. We took the magic potion, and it finally had engulfed the entirety of our brains, and we looked at each other when we realized we both were stepping into another unknown dimension.
For some reason, we understood each other perfectly. We understood the universe.
“You know how we have five senses?” I asked him.
“Yeah,” he replied.
All of a sudden, I heard the ocean as if it was right by my side. As if it was calling my name, and as if it had something important to tell me. Like a secret it had been holding onto forever and just wanted to release to me.
“Well,” I started to say. “I think we have a sixth sense.”
“Exactly!” he excitedly said back to me. “It’s as if our sixth sense is unlocked. We can feel energies now. The energies of the world.”
And right at that moment, I felt the energies of nature speaking to us. Telling us that everything would be okay. Reminding us not to be sad because there was no reason to be unhappy. A permanent smile was planted on my face, and I couldn’t get rid of it. Not that I wanted to get rid of it.
We got up and started walking and my feet sunk into the vibrancy of the grass. With each step I took, the more I felt at one with the world. It was as if we had been connected. I felt that my feet belonged in the grass. It was their place in life.
“Look at the outline of the sky!” he shouted to me. His voice sounded different. Even though he was standing right by my side, it was as if his voice was echoing from the ocean.
He told me to look at the sky, and so I looked up at the sky. It was a deep purple, and the color felt soft. It felt fuzzy, and my eyes could feel the warm, comforting texture. The outlines of the trees were smiling at us. They were buzzing with bright burgundy, and I could hear them calling my name. The way the trees said my name was so sweet, so pure and so perfect. It was as if we had known each other forever, but we were saying hello for the first time. I felt the trees waving at me, so I smiled back at them.
The next thing we knew, we were driving. We were driving within the limitless world that was waiting for us to explore. I was talking to him for hours and hours. No matter how much time had gone by, the amount of interesting things to say had no limit. Although I’d only known him for so little, it was as if we had known each other so well. I wasn’t sure how this was, but it just was.
No one else was out on the streets since it was nighttime, so it felt as if we had stepped into a world that no one else had access to. Him and I were both in our own universe and no one could intrude. It felt special.
Stepping into the gardens, the life we felt was endless. The flowers were breathing, and the freshness of the air overwhelmed our bodies. I squeezed one of the cactuses, and it was as if I felt life rushing all throughout it. I could feel its life. It made me feel alive.
And then came the park. When did parks get so big? When did they become so adventurous? I ran onto the swing, and once I started swinging back and forth, the world was swinging with me. We were swinging together into the infinities of this wonderland, and there was no stopping us.
We froze in time together, and seconds felt like hours, but the hours went by too fast. We were having too much fun and I didn’t want to leave his side. I never wanted to leave this magic palace, but I knew that we had to sometime.
He told me that he liked the way I said his name, so I kept saying it; because I liked his name too. Words rolled off my tongue as if they were actually important, and I just had so much to say; but I didn’t know how to say it to him. There were so many things to say to him, but I didn’t know what they were. And I don’t know why that is.
But as we sat on the swings, and talked about all the possibilities in this crazy wonderland, and as I looked into his soul, and as we gazed the bright orange sky, I truly felt infinite.
And I look back at old pictures,
Wishing I never ached with curiosity.
Wishing I had never looked.
Wishing I’d never taken the picture.
Wishing I had never even considered him an option.
I fell in love with the thought of falling in love, and fell too deeply.
I fell into a hole that I’m still desperately crawling out of.
Desperately seeking a way out.
When I’ve finally almost made my way out,
I look back at that old picture.
I fall a bit deeper.
I cry a bit harder.
I think a bit longer.
Thinking of all the ways it could have been different.
The only thing harder is realizing it was never meant to be.
I need to let go of this little piece of hope I have left.
This string I’m hanging on to.
This hole I’m resting in.
I need to let go of everything.
Every day I’ll face his face again.
trying to find someone to look forward to seeing is hard. Just let it happen and let them come to you. i’ve been trying over and over again and it just doesn’t end up working. maybe i should stop searching and just let life carry on but its hard to let fate take control.
My life feels like it has become one big routine. One big organized, repetitive plan. Nothing exciting. Lost its flavor. And I’m stuck. Can’t get out of it. Can’t climb over it, can’t jump through it. Why is a life that can be so exciting, so fulfilling and so worthwhile being wasted by sitting back and watching it all happen? All I ever want to do is live and I’m being held back and can’t move forward.
And I wonder if everything will go back to the way it was, but then I realize that it’s wishful thinking.